Health problems and BPD?

So how does one with BPD deal with issues? Well. Not the best. Luckily I've had a lot of therapy so I'm not screaming or throwing things like I used to do. Still not the best though. The night of 01/15/25 I found out I was in between stage 2 and 3 of COPD. AT 29 YEARS OLD.

I've smoked since I was 15. And when I say smoke I mean there was one in my hand at any given opportunity. It really is my best friend. It's been with me through every single thing, good or bad. The biggest issue I have used it for is a "mood stabilizer." I have honestly convinced myself that if I was going to have one of my famous break-downs a cigarette could stop it. A lot of times I was right. BUT. After some self discovery, I realized it wasn't the cigarette. It was the deep breathing that came with the cigarette. I'm still terrified to quit.

I have been wearing a patch since about 11am. It's 7pm. I'm currently on the couch typing this with my foot going 100mph, chewing gum, Britney Spears in my headphones, and daring anyone to talk to me. As a mother and wife that is DIFFICULT but I'm going to go through these withdrawals for them.

I had therapy this morning and my therapist made some points. I had just taken my inhaler and smoked before I went in. (DUMB, but I digress.) I was crashing. Even after the inhaler. He asked me if I liked living and breathing. I said yes but the withdrawals and fear of becoming unstable I cannot quit. He reminded me that I quit drinking and went through those withdrawals and made it. He asked me how long I had withdrawals with alcohol and I said a few days but it was so long ago (1 year, 5 months, 13 days) that I can't exactly remember. I proved his point right there.

I'm already feeling a little unraveling at the seams, but I don't want to die. Yes, BPD makes you have suicidal ideations. But that's oddly different. That feels on your terms. Being sick is far from being on your terms.

I realized that COPD cannot be reversed but I can help better myself. I can't stand. I can't walk. I can't run my mouth as much as I used to. I can't do a lot of things. I HAVE to quit smoking. Even if that means being mentally uncomfortable for a few days.

Y'all pray for my husband, son, client, and my client's family. They've got a lot to deal with for a few days haha.

Will keep an update!