DSM-5 and me. Abandonment.

Starting off our DSM-5 and me series is one of nine. Abandonment.

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

   https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK430883/

This is such a tough one. This fear is usually irrational, but it feels like impeding doom.

As I said yesterday. My poor spouse.

We have been married for 7 years and he has actively chased me since we were in high school. A normal person would think he's in it for the long haul. Not this gal. Sometimes I feel safe and sound and then something as small as a mood shift and my brain has already convinced me he is sick of me and my shenanigans and he is heading for the door. Then comes my "little" interrogation. "You okay?" "You seem upset." "Everything okay?" "Do you still love me?" This all can happen in a span of 10 minutes to hours. I am seriously trying to figure out if this man still loves me all because he didn't say hello correctly when he walked in the door. And I am PANICKING.

Then come other relationships. You thought you could only feel abandoned by partners? Naaaaaah. You have this same back and forth with friendships or family too.

Then comes the part where you don't want to get hurt or abandoned in a relationship so you cut it off first. I actually did this at Christmas with my very best friend in the whole world. My sister.

My sister has moved to a big city and is doing her big city thing. I am so proud of her. But it has also left me feeling abandoned by her. We have done everything together since she was born. She is the only person that understands all of the trauma I've been through because we went through it together. Now texting her is like texting a boy who doesn't like me. She has a job, a boyfriend, and her life. I know this. I am an adult with reasoning capabilities. But, ya know. BPD.

It started with an argument over something and I had a big bang and cancelled Christmas. I visited my mom and grandpa Christmas Eve-Eve and everyone else I saw had to come to my house. Do I regret my decision? Absolutely. I could not see at the time it was my mental illness doing its thing. I full on believed I was in the right. Granted. I was in the middle of a medication change too. Lots and lots going on. I just wanted to be the one to "break up" so I wasn't the one who felt hurt.

I haven't told her how I feel because she has a lot going on and I don't want to drag her down. It's not her responsibility to make me feel "not abandoned." It's my responsibility to work on myself and make rational decisions.

Hey sis. If you're reading this. I'm sorry for Christmas and I love you.

Moral of the story.

The feeling of abandonment is HUGE in BPD. It can be rational or irrational. Most of the time it is unfortunately irrational. If you have this disorder it takes a lot of time, practice, breathing, and thinking to work through what is and isn't rational/irrational. Therapy is awesome with this too.

I will run a scenario by my therapist and by the end I'm smacking my forehead because I didn't see whatever it was before.

Let's put in the work together <3