BPD Flip Outs

Let's just start off by saying... My poor spouse. A BPD symptom is unstable relationships. The only reason I have a stable one is due to my husband having the patience of a saint. I have put this man through it. I actually had a therapist at one point tell me I did not have BPD because I had been married so long. That is all due to the man God sent me. He has taken the time to understand me and my disorder. He sees who I am. He sees me.

Not to say we don't have problems.

Part of the title here obviously includes nurse. I have grown very close to my client. I do home health. It's easy to do. The relationship my client and I have grown has been totally by accident. We have everything in common. Yes, I come to do a job. BUT. I am the luckiest girl in the world to say my job is taking care of my best friend.

My client just recently got the news that the cancer that was localized has spread all over. It is not good.

My BPD loves this.

I have had many meltdowns since the news Thursday evening (now being Monday.)

This is on top of my finding out I'm right at stage 3 COPD Wednesday. Thinking of myself getting sick and what my future holds. Yes, at least I have a future. But what will it look like?

I've helped a lot of people cross to the other side. The only time I straight up prayed to God to please take the patient was a COPD patient. It is the worst death you could ever imagine.

Now I have not only my brain, but every medical professional and person close to me telling me I have to quit smoking.

Listen. That doesn't sound like a big deal, right? It feels like it when you've done it 15 years and "depend" on it. I use it as a type of medicine. So lame to say. But if I'm having a meltdown I smoke a cigarette or vape and wow all better. I realize it's the deep breathing and not the actual smoking, but I have myself convinced otherwise.

Down to the breakdown.

Saturday night I was 24 hours into not smoking, anxious, jittery from inhalers, overwhelmed from a noisy household, and ready to scream. My husband handed me a plate of food, my son put a plate of food on my lap, the TV was loud, too much was going on, and I felt the big bang building. Breathing techniques were not doing it.

Calmly tell my husband to grab the plate (I think calmly anyway,) and he was frustrated because he only has two hands which made me build more. I go to grab my gum and the dang pack wouldn't open. I let out a growl/scream that I feel is only heard during exorcisms, ripped the pack of gum clean in half, and angrily flailed all extremities.

The big bang.

I had forgotten about the plate in my lap. It ended up covering the floor. I forgot my son was in the room. This caused him to run crying. And the expression on my poor husband's face. Just defeat.

After the big bang is over, it's regret and embarrassment. I calmed enough to have the "big feelings" conversation with my son. What a heartbreaking thing to have to do. I try to tell myself that talking it through with him will help him understand. I just hope it doesn't damage him.

Since beginning therapy this doesn't happen often. So when it does it scares my poor family. I will say though. Having outbursts and uncontrollable emotions sometimes helps me understand my little 6 year old so much. When he has them I am patient and understanding because SAME DUDE. I also am big on communication with them. We call them "big feelings." I do this because it wasn't done with me and I felt like when my parents would have a mental health episode it was my fault. It's so important to let your kids know it's not their fault.

You brought them into this world. It's your responsibility to make them feel loved and safe.

Back to my husband though. He was very distant from Saturday evening to Sunday evening. As someone with "fear of abandonment," that's no bueno. He finally said the words last night. "Want to talk about it?" And boy did we. Lot's of raw emotions bubbled to the surface. I can't blame him. A wife with BPD is A LOT. I hadn't been communicating. Ya know. My famous move. He had no idea what was going on in my head. He had a guess, but did not know the extent.

My best friend is dying.

What if I'm dying?

What does my future with illness look like?

I already feel drained and sick every day.

How can I quit smoking when I depend on it?

I feel my life falling apart....

He of course helped me talk through and I sobbed for probably 45 minutes. It felt good to get out. I finally let it out.

Who woulda thunk it?

Talking stuff out instead of bottling it up makes you feel better and not have a big bang enter eye roll here

Even though I've dealt with this disorder for a long time and I'm getting help for it, there is always room for improvement.

If you have this disorder and it seems like there's no coming up from here, there's always room. Just gotta keep putting in the work. It is no where near easy, but it's better than having a BIG BANG.